DAMAGE

recently everything feels like a crazy oscillation between pastel and monochrome. i don’t know why. i can’t sleep properly. there seems to be just problems after problems pilling up and i just want a rest day where i can sit in my room and not talk to anyone and just disappear.

i have been thinking about you so god damn much it’s insane. i keep seeing your face when i close my eyes and i think about how damn cute you are. it feels like death every night with all these thoughts and events flashing through my head. and every time i see your name, or your face i feel the air in my lungs expand. it’s a strange sensation - it leaves me breathless for awhile and i hate it.

do i lie to and for myself? i don’t even know what is going on with me anymore.

god speed, cupid.

it’s strange to be back here again.

every night my mind becomes hazier, my thoughts become intertwine with cigarette smoke. i thought i had gotten over you, but everybody knows it’s never easy to forget someone that left such a mark on you.

it’s hard to hear things you never want to hear, or at least you thought you would never hear of it. i don’t know, it’s all been so strange. it feels like i’m falling back to december last year, only this time there’s no where to go. i get so mad at everyone, everything; you and i included. it’s like a slow simmer, everything builds up then it all bubbles away and everything disappears into the air. 

i love you so very much sometimes i’d rather i never met you. maybe then you wouldn’t have gotten so hurt, maybe then i wouldn’t feel this way.

i don’t know. i don’t know. it’s almost 04:30 and i am so fucking tired again. the past few nights have been so tiring to rest.

i just know i love, and miss you so dearly.

through this cold season, i promise to hold you and keep you warm. we’ll let the fire set us ablaze and let our winter clothes be the fuel.

let us burn so bright, so furiously that the heavens can see.
let no rain, no snow stop this supernova of an explosion.

we’ll let whatever tears and sweat evaporate, and let whatever pain and hurt that we have been holding onto to be taken along with it. when it’s all done, it’ll just be us, skin to skin, watching the bright pink and blue sky tear through dawn and leave no stone in the dark. and the sky will be so perfect.

are you looking up at the sky tonight? i can see every star that our bright city could ever allow.

can you feel the wind tonight? i hope it it carries my thoughts to you.

you have eyes that glitters like gold and sings all my favourite song. when i look at you, all words dissolve into my tongue, and all i can do is hope that you see what i want to say. 

if i had a dollar for every time i thought about you, i could end famine. 

if every teardrop represents what this means to me, the oceans would be so great.

if i had a minute before i became deaf, i would want to listen to you sing, and i wouldn’t care if i hated the song.

-

and if you could be by my side again, i would never be afraid ever again.

nights like this when the sitcom you watch don’t keep your mind off things and where cigarette smoke doesn’t fill that chasm in your lungs, you wonder if 9 floors down head first would be the best thing to do. 

then i remembered how D told me, “of course it’s gonna be difficult. but if you don’t try how do you know how difficult it’s gonna be?” even though we were talking in a different context, his words constantly echoed in my head, and that’s when it occurred to me that i got to keep on living and loving, because if i just quit now there would never be another chance that i can ever see you again, and let alone getting back together. the void in the chest feels so fucking painful, and the lump in the throat feels like it’s staying for good, but i gotta tough it out. 

i really hope i can see you sometime before, on or after christmas because that would be the greatest gift i can get. and till then, i whisper into the night how much i really love you and i hope it travels across the $20 uber ride, 40 minute travelling time, 35km away into your sleeping heart that you’ll never forget what it’s like to love me.

maybe writing for 30 days is boring

maybe talking everyday is boring

maybe eating the same food is boring

maybe i really am just so fucking boring

of course i love you, i have always loved you. if i don’t show you i love myself how could you believe that you could love me. it’s a paradox that i don’t have the answer to but at least now i understand it. i don’t know what loving myself means but i guess that was it. when i love others, i feel love. it’s always wanting the reciprocation that ends up hurting me - like waiting for a $12 pack of nicotine and tar to make me feel better.

i am still trying to be okay, please be patient with me. there will be days where i am sad, and frustrated, and angry, and jealous of some one else, with every one else. just know that i’m trying my best.

last night i lay with my heavy mind trying to shut my heavy eyes, but i couldn’t. i sank deeper into the cold mattress until it was 5am.

i saw a pair of hands outstretched towards my throat and grasped them so tightly. i couldn’t breathe or speak. i closed my eyes because i didn’t want to see whose arms it was, how he or she look like or if it was God finally granting my final wish.

i slipped away, but i was still so scared. my head played through a series of familiar faces, some whom i’ve done wrong, some whom i never got the chance to make up to.

and then there was you, or at least your back. your black hair with streaks of green being so still in the black space. your shoulders raised with each heavy breath. i couldn’t reach out to you, my finger tips barely scraping your bare back.

i watched you fade away.

i remember that afternoon in my room
balmorhea, the cold bed, you and me
you looked into my eyes
tears welled up in yours, you said
you never wanted to see me sad
how you wanted to leave my past in the past and move forward together with me
you leaned in and gave me kiss on my cheek, your eyes like the sun setting minute grazing across the calm sea, reflecting every sparkle upon every crest of every wave you rest your head on my chest

like breaking dawn, suddenly every shadow in the deep ravines was touched by the golden light
no dark waters, no black ice
only leaving behind what you call love, how you promised me you would love and never ever let go

i never understood it all
i couldn’t make sense of what love or what it meant but i know how it feels
it’s like the shallow ocean but with a strong current
how when i look at you i appear so calm but my heart beats so fast
how i wish you would take me somewhere so far i couldn’t see where i came from anymore

i pull it into my body. i can’t feel anything, just sick in my stomach. it doesn’t feel like anything, until i feel the buzz in my head and the sting on my body. for awhile, the poison stays in my body but i don’t feel better. it takes me to another place, there is no light, just quietness so fucking loud. i feel in control but i still feel angry, and sad, and guilty.

i don’t even know if it’s a cigarette or razor or anything for that matter anymore.